I hate kindergarten it’s terrible. It hasn’t even started and it has drained all of my energy and forced me into a catatonic state. I have no interest in waking up tomorrow to send my adorable, sweet, innocent Emma into this big terrible awful world. On her own. Yeah she went to preschool and yeah she’s independent – so much so she insists on taking the bus. We’ll get to that later. I am not ready. My heart is shattered into a bazillion little pieces like the remnants of the garage and my dirt pit of a back yard. This shouldn’t be this hard. Of course I want to be the parent that says go be you, enjoy every second of your first day at your new school. And I will be that parent but deep down inside I am a wreck. I’m falling apart at the seems. It took all that I could muster to keep it together at today’s teacher meet and greet and there was Emma. In her glory. Settling in, not shy, exploring her new classroom with wonderment and awe. Loving her new teacher and knowing so many other kindergarteners on the playground. Her heart is in it and mine is crushed. What happens if someone says they don’t like her? Or tells her Santa isn’t real? Or if she hears terrible words and doesn’t understand what they are? What happens if she doesn’t lock the bathroom door or has trouble finding her way to her classroom? What if she’s scared or lost or feels alone? What if…these are the thoughts racing through my head the evening before we send this very capable 5 year old into the big school world. I thought about this day when she was born and never thought it would possibly be here and here we are 5 years later ready to conquer the world and here we are 5 years later and mom is still crying. I think it’s ok though. I’m allowing myself these tears because the first day of Emma going to terrible rotten kindergarten only happens once.