Right now I look forward to books and bedtime. The in between has gotten a little challenging specifically with Emma. She’s different. She’s more assertive and seems older in so many ways. Her answers are more direct, she challenges us, she does more on her own. I’m not saying there’s necessarily anything wrong with most of this but it’s different and the very “sweet all the time” Emma is losing that toddler vibe entirely and growing into a five year old kindergartener. 

Today I was able to participate in a scientific field investigation at the school as a volunteer. There would be 4 children in my group and Emma would be one. The instructor let us know that the most challenging part might be our own children but Emma was by far the opposite. She was engaged, she listened, and she answered questions. She encouraged her friends to participate and she was genuinely that little girl I’m so proud of. Of course by the time she gets home from school and I get home from work she’s tired and hungry and has no interest in my one million questions. I get it it’s much like when they pick me up at the train and I get in the car and the two of them are just belting out everything at me while yelling at each other that it’s their turn. I love it but I feel like I need a second too. Tonight when she asked to read 4 books I jumped at the thought. I’m realizing more and more that bedtime is the moment I get that little girl back. She willingly tells me about her day, she reads along with me, she’s my little girl. She lets me sing her twinkle twinkle little star still and she asks me to stay with her for a little bit longer. Tonight she said “mommy will you come to school again and participate? I really liked it” Melt my heart. Of course I will because these are the moments I can’t get back. These are the times I never want to end. Every night I sneak in their rooms before I go to sleep myself and kiss them and whisper “I love you”. I’m feeling a little sentimental these days so I snapped a picture of Emma. Be still my heart. Stop time please. Just for a little while. 😉

October hasn’t exactly started on the easiest note. The Red Sox ended their playoff run faster than one could say “playoff run” (positive I got a couple days off to spend with the girls). My temporary kitchen has gotten smaller and by smaller I mean shoebox and uglier – (positive- I have a working stove, functioning sink, and refrigerator).

 My upstairs bathroom the only bathroom with a tub and shower disappeared. Yes, gone. Meaning I went to take a shower one morning and someone was in there demolishing it. Enter phone call to husband with his calm-toned casual response “ok, I’ll ask our builder but what do you want me to do?” Me getting off the phone blood boiling and fuming. What do I want you to do? I’ll tell you what..then rationalization kicks in. What can he do? Nothing. Positive on this one the newly renovated bathrooms will be incredible and the temporary shower situation the girls love. They think it’s like camp.  Shower is now temporarily in the new part of the house with no walls. It ain’t pretty but it works. 
Ok here’s a big one. Went to work Sunday got this text Call me ASAP Maia has lice. World stops literally. Call Raj he claims to have found lice. Now I’m not doubting him but after hours and I do mean hours of checking both girls for days since this scare we’ve found nothing. We have every tool you can imagine and I’m sure I could write an entire post on what to buy if you child has lice from fairytale shampoo, conditioner, and preventative spray. To combs and headlamps (yes we have a brand new headlamp to solve the world’s lice problem). See picture. We are very serious over here. Even if he found the one “nit” in her hair there is nothing left. (Positive- we’ve gotten very serious about daily checks). 
We’ve fully immersed ourselves in the traditional October shenanigans. Fall apple picking with Asher our cousin for the second year in a row. We/I baked the worst apple muffins imaginable they were too healthy with no dairy so I could eat them and they were disgusting but we made some pretty good apple crisp. Painted pumpkins. We are well into soccer and gymnastics and the routine is standard. 

Emma got her first gold star!! This is a big one and it erases anything stressful that has happened in October. She got off the bus with a gold star on her shirt and when we asked what it was she told us. “In music class the teacher asked a question and I answered I raised my hand and sang/answered it correctly so he asked me to come to the front of the class and I got a gold star”. Me: did anyone else get a gold star? E: No, just me. Mind blown. Head explosion. Glitter, confetti, balloons everywhere!! Check my kid out -not shy just answering questions and getting gold stars. What??? This is a big deal. You have no idea who your child is in kindergarten so any little glimpse into this secret world has me jump at the chance for more. This is a sign of confidence and I’m proud. Proud that she got a star. Proud that she is surviving in kindergarten and although I’m still not entirely sold on the idea of it she is. That’s a positive that wipes the slate clean. Halloween here we come. 

You know when everything is going along smoothly and things are settling into a great rhythm? You feel like you have it all under control. School is working out for both girls, work is fire with the team in the playoffs, your husband is a rockstar of support when you’re traveling for work and working A LOT. Construction has had zero effect on day to day life and it’s moving along at a rapid pace. Ah take a breath. Then the second you take that breath it starts…we’ll start with the four letter dreaded “L” word. Not to ever be confused with that other four letter “L” word love. No there’s nothing lovely about this word, in fact it’s terrifying. LICE. We got an email from our preschool that LICE was a possibility -some of the older kids of families in preschool were dealing with lice in their classrooms. Now mind you I got this email at 9pm at night when both children were sound asleep so I did what any logical loving parent would do. I snuck into my 3 year olds room flashlight in hand on the hunt for whatever lice looks like convinced we all had it. Found nothing. The next morning was picture day for Emma. What do you do? She has to wear her hair down for her very first picture day right? First I checked and double checked and triple checked and found nothing then I sprayed and sprayed and sprayed enough tea tree oil spray to last a lifetime. She smelled terrible but looked great (let’s also remember Emma has nothing to do with preschool she’s in K at a different school). So onto Maia same thing spray and the tightest braid I could do. Safe. Well that was last week. Still in the clear and feeling good until today when a mom gave me the confirmation that yes, there’s lice in preschool and in Emma’s school. Screaaaaachhhhhhhh. First thought call Raj he’ll calm me. There’s nothing I can do if my children get lice. Nothing but deal but this ain’t sitting pretty. Not with a kid who’s hair has only been cut 3 times in 5 years and another who’s hair has been cut NEVER. Cook and run. Cook and run. Oh right I can’t cook because as of yesterday the kitchen became unusable for the time being. I woke up yesterday to “we have an hour to clean out the 4 remaining cabinets in the kitchen”. I’m sorry what?? It’s Monday morning. Oh and clean out your closet by Wednesday. The calm has turned to hell. Flipping out is not even the start. Now yes, this is ridiculous to flip out about it’s all for the greater good of our family in the end and it’s going to be amazing but the way it’s going down has me teetering on the edge. Holding it together ain’t easy this is where it gets hard. Throw in work being busier than it could possibly be and you have a supermom about to lose her super. I will admit that Raj gets yelled at for everything. LITERALLY everything and it helps. Honest but terrible I know. I can’t yell at the kids and he calmly forces a “what do you want me to do here”. I have no idea what I want you to do. Snap your fingers and make it all happen? Sounds great to me. In conclusion, no lice for now, I’ll get a solid run in today, we are all healthy, and we all have the other “L” word in our family getting us through it all. Love.

I love my kids. I need to make that very clear but it’s ok that I also love freedom from them. This weekend a coworker and friend of mine got married in deer isle Maine. It’s basically in the middle of nowhere but it IS near the site of our mini moon so we jumped at the chance to get in the car drive 5 hours (with no one fighting in the backseat) and head to bar harbor. Truth be told the weather has us all in a great mood so 5 hours driving anywhere would be good. I LOVE fall. I love chunky sweaters and warm tea and apple picking and boots. Who wouldn’t love Fall. It’s not even a question. The people that don’t love fall are not my people. I adore literally adore fall baseball and kids soccer. You know the important stuff. The Red Sox are still winning closing in on the magic number dropping it to 2. Emma’s “back to school night” was a rousing success she’s obviously a genius from what I can tell by her sketches and letter writing. She’s also the only kid that puts hearts on EVERYTHING she writes and so what if she spells her last name Bhnagoo. Happens to me all the time. The craziness continues. Anyway, being back in Bar Harbor has me reflecting. The last time we were here I was newly married (literally less than 24 hours). So much has happened with us specifically in 7 years:
1. Moved to our current house that we putting an addition on because the neighborhood is just too perfect to leave. 

2. Had two awesome girls. 

3. Sent one off to kindergarten and one to preschool

4. Raj changed jobs

5. I ran my first ( but not last) Boston marathon 

6. Won a World Series (which added a third cool piece of jewelry to our collection)

7. Marked my 19th season with the sox

8. Raj played a lot more golf and a lot less hockey in those years

9. We are still married and look the same (sort of) maybe give or take a couple pounds 

10. We’ve done a fair amount of traveling within the US. 

11. We’ve grown together as a family. 
The last one is obvious but it’s the most important. No one tells you or talks about how hard this all is. We live our lives these days looking at social media thinking “wow they look perfect” and of course “they” do because who would post the bad pictures or bad things that happen. No one posts the chaos and if they do it’s a one and done. Now don’t get me wrong I’m just as guilty as the next and I’m not saying to post the worst of life because who really wants to see the bad anyway? My point here is sometimes I myself, have to remember nothing is perfect and chaos is more normal than all smiles but I will take it all because good, bad, ugly, pretty are all a part of it and it can go by too quickly and be gone in a second – reflecting more and making memories are what it’s all about and growing as a family has been a lot of fun these days! Funny how being away for a couple days makes you miss so much! 

This is why I work in baseball. During my 19 season span I’ve questioned (sometimes daily) why I work in baseball. Last night is why. Tonight’s win is why. September is why. October is why. And most importantly the bond of the band of folks I work with is why. We are a team. All of us that sit behind the walls of Fenway Park. Last night was what baseball dreams are made of. We’ve been on the other side of that win but last night catapulted everything forward. Today we were busy. The emails came fast and furious. The phone calls happened. The questions endless. The office vibe was exciting and fun and ready. We are tired but we are ready. We are the Red Sox. We don’t quit. We fight. We win. We are Boston. Born to win…and strong. 
We are one. We laugh together. Cry together. Swear together. Yell together. We do everything together for months at a time consecutively. There is not a day of the season we aren’t connected in some way. The force is real. We protect one another and we all just get it. We get what we do. We understand that we are in a position that is cherished. We know. So as tired as I feel I’m ok with answering the same questions over and over again, I’m good with the unknown ahead of me. I love guessing what could be and where this might take us. Isn’t that what this is all about? I’m proud to say I work for the Red Sox because the group of people that I work with daily know a side of me that even my family would never understand. It’s the guts and glory that goes into being a Red Sox employee. It’s the good the bad and the ugly. It’s the understanding that even when the season is terrible you keep at it and when the season is awesome – I don’t have words to capture that feeling. We keep at it because we all love baseball and more importantly love the Red Sox and these people that I work with daily are my family too. 

Preschool was a huge success. I will openly admit that unlike my disdain for kindergarten preschool is my jam. I love the place. It’s warm and cuddly and everything a parent wants for their kid. There’s rainbows and butterflies and theme days and handholding. They might as well be singing kumbuyah all day in a circle because it’s perfect and that’s pretty much what I picture them doing. They send videos of my kid acting genius, they make me feel like she is advanced and that some day she will be president. So as sad as I was to drop Maia off secretly I was sighing relief that she was going off to the smaller version of Disney World. The normal stuff happened — I cried all the way home. I second guessed my role as a mom to let her go and wondered if I was good enough the last three years of her life. Did I cherish everything, spend enough time reading (maybe I shouldn’t have said no to five books and just read it to her) you know the every day challenges of parenting. 
Now that we’ve gotten through day 1 let’s get into the reality of the week. Up at 6 which is not a big deal. Raj showers gets ready, I shower get in “bus walking gear” basic Red Sox tee shirt, yoga pants, and sneakers to have to change later. I can’t believe how much gets done in three hours. By 7 am Raj has been long gone and occasionally he’ll be home “late” to throw in a helping hand or how I see it basically blow to pieces my entire schedule that I’ve worked so hard at creating which sends me into a complete anxiety ridden crazy person. Now he does actually help by swooping in making his “world famous French toast” followed by clean up. What’s so irritating is how nonchalant about everything he can be making it seem all too easy – I know deep down inside he’s thinking this is so easy why is she always complaining. I could write an entire post on this…
I digress . Breakfast, tooth brushing, lunches and snack (made the night before) double checked, fresh water in lunches, hair blown dry twice in a week is a record, braids and brushing for both kids (let’s not downplay that this is where most of the melting down crying and screaming occurs for all of us). Then the dreaded socks and shoes take what feels like a solid 45 minutes to gather and put on because both children feel the need (and rightfully so) to showcase their independent “I can do it myself” personalities. So I make sure that gets going. We’ve now reached the approximate 7:56 mark and we have 4 minutes to get outside to walk to the bus stop. Quick book bag check *quick note day 2 Emma tried to smuggle gum in her bag, she’s not even allowed to chew gum so of course I was convinced she was already learning bad habits in the big K*. WHERE did the time go?? The bus has not arrived earlier than 8:15 on any day and the new bus stop walk takes all of 30 seconds but what if I miss it? (Back up plans lots of back up plans). Today the bus picked us up at 8:22 so we waited. Tomorrow I’ll leave at 8:10 I think. Now back home to change get Maia looked over for preschool she picked her outfit it’s fine. She put clips in her hair also fine. Sneakers look good. She’s ready. Time for me to get dressed and “ready”. Run up stairs grab what’s in the closet that looks decent for an event at work tonight throw it on no time for triple checking today. Time for makeup? 8:35. Nope. Put my bag together while Maia is asking questions from downstairs that I’m half answering. Run down the stairs and get ready to walk Maia to preschool for 9. Done! Wow I’m exhausted and the day has barely just begun. Now I’m not naive this isn’t all that bad but it’s definitely more than I ever accomplished 5 years ago before 9am so to take a step back and look at what’s going on it’s pretty amazing and I’ll pat myself on the back. The remaining amount of my day is pretty much scheduled with day to day Red Sox stuff which I’ve been doing so long it all seems to fall into place a bit. Arrival at home around 10pm is surely late for an old lady that likes to be in bed by 9:30 and of course missing out on bedtime and after school just plain sucks but it’s only for a month (hopefully two) and work is exciting right now so I’m all in everywhere. Sleeping is for November and that’s also the time to be thankful which I’m damn sure I will be. 

A serious case of the Mondays is happening in this house. I thought I had it all under control. Breakfast more than accomplished with a boiled egg, English muffin with strawberry jam, and Raisin Bran. Kids loved it, it was fast and healthy and didn’t involve any sort of kitchen maneuvering. My hair BLOWN dry, things were really starting off great. No fighting, that includes with me, each other, about clothes, food, hair etc. This is an insanely blissful Monday morning. Maia was packed and ready for swim, Emma’s book bag was full with goodness and we strolled out the door for the bus at 8am with coffee in hand. As I’m walking along I’m thinking I have to get back home, change quickly and get to the train before 8:55 which means getting Maia in the car and Jojo with us. Totally fine I’ve done this a million times. The bus will be around 8:20 all good. Then I check my phone text from raj: your keys are in my car. (Now of course most say just use the spare set. We only have two sets)

Ok the calm blissful thoughts of convenient scheduling that were racing through my head have now turned to FIRE. Think Anger from Inside Out. Red little guy (in this case girl) with so much fire coming out of the top of its head it puts a volcano to shame. Calm down there is nothing you can do about any of this. So now I go into complete problem solving mode with backup plans up the wazoo. If this than that. If that than this. Best case scenario car door is open I can quickly remove the car seat then the second Jojo arrives I can quickly install it in her car and get to the train station in time to catch the 8:55. If not I will uber and Maia will miss her first swim class that she’s so looking forward to while the guilt as a parent consumes me. Keep in mind I’m already feeling bad enough that I can’t be at her first swim class. Bus comes I practically push Emma on fast as lightning (you’ll recall last week when I couldn’t muster up the courage to let go of her hand let alone FORCE her on the bus) wave a quick goodbye and run home with Maia in the running stroller. Oh right there are construction workers everywhere. I dart past all of them to the car and pray the door is open for everyone’s sake – mostly Raj because let’s be honest he is never going to hear the end of this. Ever. It’s called Italian Grudge – basically consists of a relentless stubbornness and grudge holding. And as if there was a god above the car door was open. Now the rest fell into place so I’ll spare the details. The day progressed and Maia started her first swim class and although I missed it she was and absolute star. The video proves it.

Renovation. Well that’s in full swing still. For now I still have a functioning sink and stove. I’m getting by with paper plates and plastic forks and cooking what I can. Maia and I made endless amounts of zucchini pancakes to freeze this weekend. Seems like a good move. Because the other thing I like to do when I’m stressed besides run is cook and my cooking partners are pretty cool. 

So here we are on a Monday, heading home from work a little tired from the general day. Didn’t get to put the kids to bed tonight or run down Emma’s day at school or Maia’s first swim class but tomorrow is a new day…and that new day is my youngest starting her first adventure in preschool. I will miss none of it and I will cry. Endless amounts of tears. And once again it will be fine.

I’m trying to live in the moment these days which has been the theme in most of what I’ve written. I have to admit the moments have been pretty demanding with work being crazy busy, new everything going on, and all these major life changes. Nothing to complain about but definitely demanding. That said, my parenting skills are not exactly by the book these days. Today, I bribed both kids with the “treat” of being able to go in the backyard and check out the new construction site. They fell for it and faught (literally) to get their shoes on with tears and anger and honestly in the moment I should have told them we weren’t going as punishment it was that bad. Now truth be told, it’s the first time I’ve seen progress that I understand so selfishly I wanted to stand in the new spot that was built today and see it up close. So we ventured outside and jumped around in front of the “new fire place” and near the “new kitchen” (pictures below). This new area is exciting. I see and understand what we are building. Of course I looked at plans and have looked at them too many times to count but now I can actually visualize the size and scope of what we are doing. It’s awesome. Anyway, back to the terrors I had running around. I realized we were close to dinner time but not close enough and I had ZERO interest in staying outside in the blazing heat and less than zero interest in going back inside to listen to them bicker and fight and cry for another hour, I saw my parked car on the road and told them both they could sit in the front seat while I drove it into the driveway. Yep, that’s what I did. Drove for all of two seconds with them in the front seat and then we belted music and air conditioning for the next 20 minutes performed the best Rihanna, Drake, and Justin Bieber dance party you could ever imagine. Judge all you want but it worked and it made all of us really happy. Days like this I can do, days like Tuesday when Maia ventures to her first day at preschool I can’t. I will but I really don’t want to. As much as they drive me crazy and exhaust me, they do the best possible things in the best possible moments too like draw pictures and say “mommy I love you” out of the blue. Those moments are everything and today’s dance party was too.

 

We all survived the first week of kindergarten. Some better than others (I’m sure you can imagine who survived what). Some highlights include the actual first day where I cried the entire day and had to wear sunglasses for drop off and pick up even though the sun didn’t consider poking its head out from behind the clouds. Emma was an obvious champ, no issue whatsoever. Her excitement to explore a new big world left her unphased and excited…until she got home from said first, second, and third days. To say she was exhausted and maybe a bit overwhelmed is in fact a BRUTAL understatement. She was a different child, angry, hungry, whiney, and pretty awful. Everything I asked of her she belted out in the loudest longest tone she possibly could her new found love for the word “NEVEEEERRRR”.  So of course, I’m still not so sure this kindergarten stuff is the right move for us.

Day 2, no tears and Maia had her first introduction to her preschool classmates. She too handled that like a champ enjoying her new found freedom to explore something all her own – not something that was her sisters.

Day 3 Emma has decided she wants to take the bus to and from school “because all of my friends take it mom”. Who can argue with the that? All of your friends? You’ve been in school 2 days kid… So here we go another milestone for this family to accomplish. Get it together Marcell, this is not going to be hard and there will be no tears. Raj and I were geared up and ready to make sure we sent Emma off on the bus for her very first time in style as a family so she isn’t scared. We head to the bus stop a solid 15 minutes early so we don’t miss anything and we wait, and wait, and wait, until we see the big yellow bus coming down the street — then we watch that big yellow bus turn itself around in horror and not pick us up. Wait what? Now, I could understand if I hadn’t actually spoken to him the day before on the way back from pick up letting him know that Emma would be taking the bus from our home today. He assured me he’d be here for pick up.  OK so let’s race to school with our awesome neighbors who spotted the entire scene unfold and picked me and Emma up to bring us. Upon arrival, Emma goes to her class and I proceed to politely scold the bus driver and tell him EMMA WILL be on the bus home after school. I then remind Emma’s TA that she will be taking the bus home tonight as she has asked to do. Then I go home do some work and wait until pick up. We now decide to strategically place ourselves at the END of OUR street instead of the actual bus stop to wait for Emma to greet her once again as a family with high-fives, glitter, cartwheels, and no tears. We wait…and wait…and then my phone rings and it’s a Wellesley number. This can’t be. Sure enough Emma is in the office at the school, their “mistake” the bus left without her. My heart is pounding, and the momma bear in me is ready to pounce. Raj knowing the scene at the school may not be a good one if I march into the office day 3 -gets in the car and races the 1 mile distance to go get our little Emma. In the meantime a good friend of ours who happens to be a teacher sends me a text that she spotted Emma and she’s totally fine having fun in the office (keep in mind I’m in sheer meltdown mode). Emma gets home and in her own little exhausted way asks to not have lunch and proceeds straight to her room to lay down. Ugh. Thank goodness it’s Friday is all I think in that very moment and my heart is a little broken. Fine by me she’ll never want to take the bus now…yeah. And she won’t want to go back to kindergarten either. Double yeah. We wait about an hour and in typical Emma fashion she marches down the stairs proclaims her need for lunch, as we sit down to eat I ask if she wants to try to take the bus on Tuesday (secretly hoping that newfound word of hers comes belting out louder than ever “neveerrrrrr”) and she very calmly says, “heck yeah I want to take the bus mommy”. And there you have it, we survived week one, onto week two, the house is still standing and so are we. Never say never.

I hate kindergarten it’s terrible. It hasn’t even started and it has drained all of my energy and forced me into a catatonic state. I have no interest in waking up tomorrow to send my adorable, sweet, innocent Emma into this big terrible awful world. On her own. Yeah she went to preschool and yeah she’s independent – so much so she insists on taking the bus. We’ll get to that later. I am not ready. My heart is shattered into a bazillion little pieces like the remnants of the garage and my dirt pit of a back yard. This shouldn’t be this hard. Of course I want to be the parent that says go be you, enjoy every second of your first day at your new school. And I will be that parent but deep down inside I am a wreck. I’m falling apart at the seems. It took all that I could muster to keep it together at today’s teacher meet and greet and there was Emma. In her glory. Settling in, not shy, exploring her new classroom with wonderment and awe. Loving her new teacher and knowing so many other kindergarteners on the playground. Her heart is in it and mine is crushed. What happens if someone says they don’t like her? Or tells her Santa isn’t real? Or if she hears terrible words and doesn’t understand what they are? What happens if she doesn’t lock the bathroom door or has trouble finding her way to her classroom? What if she’s scared or lost or feels alone? What if…these are the thoughts racing through my head the evening before we send this very capable 5 year old into the big school world. I thought about this day when she was born and never thought it would possibly be here and here we are 5 years later ready to conquer the world and here we are 5 years later and mom is still crying. I think it’s ok though. I’m allowing myself these tears because the first day of Emma going to terrible rotten kindergarten only happens once.